Oh, the experience of this sweet life.

Are You Kidding Me?!!

2008-11-29T01:04:00.002-07:00

Well, Black Friday is over. A Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death in New York by a crowd of 2,000. Two men shot and killed each other in a Palmdale, California Toys 'R' Us. I'm happy to say that I survived with no injuries.

You Don't Really Care For Music, Do Ya?

2008-11-28T11:24:00.006-07:00

I have been making many changes in my life as of late. Trying to make the ones that would make my life significantly better. Changes that would make me a better person. Changes that would make my life a good life. It's important to remember that change isn't always easy, and sometimes doing what is best for you hurts and is hard.

Right now, this song is playing in my head. It's been there all morning. It's sort of a lament. It expresses exactly what I'm feeling at this moment in my life. There is a sort of beauty in melancholy and uncertainty.

On another note: Thanksgiving was amazing. I am truly blessed, and thankful for all the wonderful things and changes that are taking place in my life. I also hope that the few who got a phone call from me and Jeremy singing "Because I Have Been Given Much" in our best BYU Men's Choir voices appreciated them. We thought we were pretty funny. Go see the new Disney movie, "Bolt." It is really cute.

Happy Black Frizzle. Work is going to be retail hell today.

Carry On, I Suppose.

2008-09-08T17:50:00.003-07:00

“Though you break your heart, men will go on as before.”
-Marcus Aurelius

Coming to a Theater Near You...

2008-08-29T17:16:00.007-07:00

This is mostly for my sister and Angie. I laughed so hard when I saw it.

Shay Shay!

2008-08-29T10:32:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to post this picture of Shay and myself because it is too damn cute not to. Shay is truly one of the most genuine people you could ever meet. I am very lucky to have her in my life.

She paid me a very nice compliment that night too. She said I remind her of Edward.

Slow Decay.

2008-08-25T10:55:00.004-07:00

This is my self portrait today. I feel sad. I feel dead. There is too much noise in my head.

Bump In The Night!

2008-08-17T09:37:00.003-07:00

I woke up this morning at 3:45am to my car alarm going off. I went outside to check it out, and somebody had hit the hood of my car with a hammer or a screwdriver or something. I went back to bed and about ten minutes later, my alarm went off again, and somebody had put a second dent in my hood!

I called the police this morning around seven, and they promptly came to have me fill out a report. The police officer told me that it was definitely somebody who was doing it intentionally to me, and asked me if I have any enemies. Omigosh! I don't necessarily have enemies, but there are people who don't like me. But are there any that would really go out of their way to damage my property?!! It's kind of exciting to me in way. Somebody out there feels like I am important enough, and I have damaged their ego enough, to drive all the way to Spanish Fork to vandalize something that I don't really care about. It's just a car. And it makes me laugh a little bit inside.

My comepletely random: The world needs one religion. I hate to use the word religion too. The very word suggest that one should conform to a certain way of thinking. It's not Mormonism. It's not Catholicism. It's not Islam. I actually think it should remain nameless. It's fundamental belief system should be the cessation of pain and suffering, the appreciation of beauty and diversity, the recognition of everyone's desire to be happy and to be loved. I also believe that at the head of this religion, should be a Creator who should remain nameless and formless. This creator could be represented as a man, or a woman, or even a sunset, or a beautiful melody.

This thought just popped into my head as I was sitting on my back porch this morning. I'm sure I need to think it through a lot more. But, hmmm, maybe I'm onto something.

It Finally Happened...

2008-08-14T18:05:00.006-07:00

There is always a song running through my head. Every single second of every single day. Right now, it is "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen, my favorite band of all time. I'm wondering if this is a precursor of things to come or if it's just a catchy tune that's surfaced into the active part of my brain. I do have to say, however; that I have felt slightly manic these past few weeks. I have been writing/thinking the most random things. I am afraid I might really "be missing that one final screw," and I kind of enjoy it. (Enter psychotic laughter.)

Sunday Thought:

2008-08-10T11:04:00.004-07:00

We should all aspire to be green.

I'd Like To Dress Up In You!

2008-08-09T07:03:00.005-07:00

After three days of rainy/cloudy/overcast weather, the sun is out again, and the sky is a perfect blue. For the last week or so, there's been a lone violinist bleeding the saddest song in the back of my heart. With this morning's emergence of sunny rays, I am determined and confident that I will be able to take that dreary solo, and turn it into an orchestra of playful piano chords, trombone bantering, and perhaps, some crazy person with an enormous set of cymbals! I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to be happy this past week, but I'm still pressing forward!

My completely random: I would have given a kidney to be at the Olympic ceremonies last night. I still believe in world peace.

Twilight Is Very Similar To Dawn.

2008-08-03T21:29:00.005-07:00

I was driving to Salt Lake City this afternoon for brunch, and this black BMW 780 sped past me and then darted into my lane cutting me off. I didn't get mad. Not at all. I just smiled, and said out loud, "You are a beautiful car. Mine is on its way." Hearing myself say those words, without any hesitation, made my smile grow even larger. I have amazing things coming my way, and with each passing day I realize more and more that I might actually be quite fabulous. I have a lot to offer the world, and I'm up for the challenge. I also know that when you offer your services to the world, the world offers up its services to you. Yes, even shiny cars.

While my current mood is sloping downward at this moment due to guilt, mostly, I am filled with an underlined sense of hope and bliss. Today was a day filled with good friends and kind words (and beer and champagne). Although my skin feels tremendously thin right now, and my ribcage is nowhere near enough protection for my weary heart, I know I'm going to be fine.

Completely random: I am nearly two hundred pages into the book Twilight, and I am already in love with Edward. All you mothers/ladies out there, I now understand what all the hype is about.

I Have Become A Virgin

2008-08-02T20:04:00.011-07:00

Chad: "Why are relationships so hard?"
Siara: "Relationships are only hard for beautiful people."
Chad: "I know, and why is that?"
Siara: "Beautiful people always have to worry that they'll be replaced by someone more beautiful. Ugly people are just happy to have found someone."

See, Siara. Elizabeth and I really aren't that different.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-07-30T06:29:00.006-07:00

I used to be a little guy, it's true. Thank you, God, for twenty-eight years.

Thank you, Dari, for the birthday tribute!

Dharamsala, Here I Come!

2008-07-28T08:49:00.002-07:00

I asked my mom for a one-way ticket to India for my birthday. She said no.

My Name Is Chad, and I'm a Java-holic.

2008-07-26T10:46:00.004-07:00

Java Monsters are not habit forming. I should know, I drink two everyday.

(Notice my other vice in the background? Yes, Ed Hardy, you have my heart.)

Death By Reality Television.

2008-07-25T15:15:00.018-07:00

Okay, so, I'm not really depressed. I'm actually far from it, but any excuse I have to make a pouty face, I'll take it. I do have a lot on my mind though, and I have not really had a good night's sleep in several days. I'm not complaining as they've been great nights, there's just been no sleeping. I think the exhaustion of going going going, along with the excessive (excessive for me) drinking, has finally caught up with me. But now with a good six hours of sitting, resting, reading, munching, and television watching under my belt, I am ready to go non-stop for another week.

I've decided a few things today, while sitting on my lazy keister. I've decided I know nothing about dating; I don't know how to do it, and it scares the hell out of me. I've decided that unless you are going somewhere fabulous, a week and a half off from work is really unnecessary. I've also decided that I still am not where I belong. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not where I belong. I need to figure out what I'm going to do about it.

I read the first 40 pages of Into the Wild this morning. It made me cry. I want to leave life as I know it sometimes. Actually, I want to disappear a lot of the time. There is this fire of exploration and discovery that burns inside of me, and its embers are red hot inside my soul! I want to see every part of the world and bathe in it's beauty. I want to meet people, and learn from them. I want to be surrounded by the dangers that lurk in the shadows of the most remote locations, and then bask in the serenity of the most picturesque settings. I want no possessions. I want to explore not only the world, but have the freedom, time and space to explore my self. Not myself, but my "self," that innermost part of my being. I am wondering if I should've left when I originally planned on going. I don't regret anything thus far in my life, but I fear that if I never go, that would be the one thing in my life that would make me saddened on my death bed.

On a completely different note, I'd like to use the word "austere" more often.

A Little Ditty, 'Bout Zach and Diana.

2008-07-24T11:48:00.003-07:00

Sushi dinner: $35. Two tickets to Pat Benatar: $107. Vodka Redbulls: $40. Having one of the most amazing nights ever: Priceless.

My Cup Runneth Over.

2008-07-23T10:40:00.012-07:00

There's a lot I'd like to write about, but I don't have quite enough time today. I suppose I will just give a quick reminder to anybody out there who might be reading my humble blog, that the key to being truly happy, and to continue attracting the blessings that bring happiness, is to practice gratitude. Trust me, this is one thing in life of which I am sure. Three things for which I am grateful for today:

My beautiful sister, and our date to the John Mayer concert on Monday.
Siara. For her friendship and her toothbrush.
And the last thing I'm grateful for, I've just decided to keep to myself, but I will leave you with this:

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

My heart feels hope.

A Touch of Crazy.

2008-07-07T12:16:00.003-07:00

I'm going to do whatever it takes. Some people should be very afraid.

Wait a Minute, Mister Postman!

2008-07-01T13:31:00.004-07:00

I have a pen pal who draws me the best pictures in the world! Thanks, Adilynn. Uncle Chaddy loves you.

My Little Lamb. (If You Knew Her, You'd Understand.)

2008-06-30T17:48:00.004-07:00

My "lova", Candace, and me at The Foundry Grill in Sundance.

Can I Help You Find A Size?

2008-06-27T19:26:00.006-07:00

I am a mall rat again. I started back at American Eagle. I will be working there on Saturdays, some Mondays, and floorsets. I went to the mall today for the first time in about three months. I've been avoiding the mall because of somebody in particular, but when I thought about it, I realized that the mall is actually my turf! I'm so excited to be able to work with Jen, which really won't feel like work at all; go on my breaks with Siara, who works at Nodstrom and gets a discount at the Nordstrom cafe; and running into all my long lost retail friends.

On a completely different topic, Siara lent me the movie Paris, Je T'aime. I've watched one short film from it twice, and I'll probably watch it two more times before I return it. It makes me happy when I watch it, and Gaspard Ulliel isn't too hard on the eyes either.

And finally, my second favorite.

My Bedtime Story.

2008-06-25T22:33:00.005-07:00

I am an extraordinary soul, trapped in a mediocre man's body. I want to shed my skin and take flight!

Here Comes the Sun!

2008-06-24T11:10:00.006-07:00

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-William Shakespeare

I am happy. I am loved. I am smitten. I am progressing. I love the summer.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub.

2008-06-20T17:45:00.001-07:00

I have a confession. Sometimes I try and turn women on while I am shampooing their hair.

Testing Positive.

2008-06-19T18:17:00.005-07:00

After an exhausting ten hour day of sweeping up hair, shampooing guests, manning the telephones, and many other mundane tasks, I was a little discouraged and grumpy. Is this assisting thing really worth it?

I decided to sit down and read just a bit before I went to the gym, and let my mind clear itself of all of it's unchecked thinking. I read something from a book I'm reading called Ethics for the New Millennium by the Dalai Lama. (Great book. Second time reading it.) It's a paragraph that just kinda made me feel a little better and put things into perspective. It'll do me good to write it down, so I can digest it properly, while I slowly type it with my 10 wpm typing skills. It reads:

"It is also worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty. With the right approach-and here we see once more the supreme importance of developing a positive attitude-the experience of suffering can open our eyes to reality."

When I think of those I admire most in my life, my heroes, it is mostly those who have overcome something tremendous, tragic, or that broke some sort of limitation-be it social, physical, mental, political,etc.-and humbly rose up a stronger and wiser person. It is those persons who kept a positive attitude, a smile on their face, and laughter in their heart, while the cloud of doom loomed merely inches overhead. I have nothing in my life that warrants any form of griping or poor attitude. I should feel blessed that I am not being tested the way that others are being tested.

There is my attitude check. Now, I'm off to the gym.

Goodbye, Mimi's!

2008-06-18T07:05:00.003-07:00

I quit Mimi's Cafe last night. Over three long years. Sad to leave friends, but glad to move on and make new ones elsewhere.

License and Registration, Please.

2008-06-17T09:25:00.006-07:00

I haven't posted in a couple days. Well, I have, but they were mean posts, and I don't want to be a mean person, so I deleted them.

I am completely over Adam. He can have his perception of how things were, and I will have mine. I hope he finds happiness. This will be the last time I mention Adam.

So, today I got up and got my new car registered. Finally. I tried to do it nearly two months ago, but then I needed to wait until I got a notarized bill of sale for it. Then I tried to get the safety and emissions done, but my tint was too dark. It is finally legal, and besides having to spend nearly $250 a month on gas, I love it!

The "X," Not The Ex.

2008-06-14T09:06:00.006-07:00

As much as I want to call; as much as I want to text; and as much as I want to email; I won't. My reward: a big red "x" marked in the square on the calendar of the days that I don't. My equivalent to a gold star. It's quite pathetic, I know, but the human heart feels what it feels, and my heart feels broken. And if it takes me indicating my restraint on a given Monday or a distraction on the following Friday to help it mend, then that's what I'll do.

The good news: every "x" on my calendar is day a that the pain is a little more dulled, the sense of missing Adam eases, and the hope that better days are coming becomes more believable. Those little red "x"s are marching further and further away from June 9th (the last time I communicated with Adam), and before you know it they'll be skipping into September, and then dancing through December!

I welcome Singledom with open arms.

Aging Like a Fine Wine!

2008-06-11T20:00:00.004-07:00

Happy Birthday, Mom. I can't believe you've survived fifty years of life's experiences. Come to think of it, some of those years have been pretty s*%#$y! But, I suppose that is exactly why so many people admire you and look to you as a hero. You never complain, you always preserver, you love unconditionally -all while maintaining a sense of humor and feistiness. I couldn't have been given a better blessing than to have you as my mother, my "mamacita", and my friend. I love you, and think you are beautiful in every single way. Here's to fifty more years (oh, dear, should I only wish for thirty upon you?!!)! Your son loves you more than you'll ever know.

Love Is Sinkable.

2008-06-10T16:35:00.009-07:00

Well, I have lost the fifteen pounds I planned on losing since the beginning of the year. After Adam and I broke up, I decided that instead of going into a depression induced coma, I would instead channel that energy into something positive and productive. I went to the gym everyday for nearly a month straight, sometimes twice a day. I was running at least eight miles a day, and when I was feeling especially anxious/motivated, I would run nearly fifteen. Between the exercise and the mostly raw fruit and vegetable diet, I dropped nine pounds in a little over three weeks.

Adam went to Europe shortly after we broke up, and I maintained an upward momentum for the first three or four weeks of his being on vacation (minus a few drunk voice and text messages). However; I realized that all the things I'd been doing to distract myself from admitting that out already weakening relationship was finally being laid to rest, were doing just that: distracting me from admitting the reality of the situation. Our three years together was coming to an end. At that realization, I nearly lost control at the onslaught of emotion that engulfed me. That is when I began what I like to call the "sleep induced diet." Basically, what it consists of is taking some sort of pill(s) to put you to sleep so that you don't have to deal with what's causing the pain around you. If you do that when you get off work, you miss dinner. If you do that when you have an entire day off, you miss all three meals of the day! Missing consistent meals for a week equals six pounds!

I dialed Adam's phone everyday he was gone on vacation just to hear his voice on his voicemail message. It was comforting to me. The whole time I was praying that he'd see something in Italy that took his breath away and think to himself, "I wish Chad were here to see this." or be staying in a seedy hostel in Germany and say, "I would feel safer if Chad were here with me." I called every single day, and when I called and it finally did ring, I almost couldn't contain myself. I wanted nothing more than to have him pick up and say, "Chad! I missed you! I'm sorry! I love you! Let's make this work!" He didn't answer. I was once again left with his voicemail, and a beep. But this time, I knew that there was not two thousand miles blocking our communication, but rather, somebody on the other end who simply didn't want to answer.

It's hard to understand how I could love somebody so much and how there were no warm feelings reciprocated. It's also hard to feel like I invested so much into somebody's life, and to have them cut me out of it so quickly, makes me feel lost. I know his favorite foods, his favorite color. I know his morning routine. I know where every mole is located on his body. I know what shows he watches in the afternoon, and that he falls asleep to Law & Order SVU at night. I know the percentage of cocoa he likes in his dark chocolate. I know which of his jeans to air dry. I know what size shoe he wears. I know that he hates bad customer service and he hates to be hot. Now, I'm just supposed to forget it all.

Perhaps the hardest thing about this whole breakup experience, is the fact that our perceptions on how our relationship was are so differing. He seems to have forgotten all the hundreds of ways that I tried to show my love towards him, make him feel like he was special, and demonstrate my devotion to making our relationship work. He doesn't remember our traditions, our laughter, our intimate moments or our conversations. He doesn't remember my willingness to ease his burdens or help him accomplish something he needed doing. He only remembers unhappiness. Towards the end of our relationship, I was not happy, but it was not because I didn't love him. It was because I was the only one trying anymore. He left emotionally many, many months earlier.

I can't help but miss him though. Everything around me reminds me of him. I am sad for the love I lost and for what we potentially could've found in each other. I will not, however; remain indolent any longer.

I suppose some things aren't meant to be reclaimed. After all, the Titanic still lays on the bottom of the ocean. And that is how my relationship with Adam will be remembered: like that seemingly unsinkable ship, which wasn't strong enough to withstand what was lurking in the depths of the bitter cold.

High As A Kite

2008-05-13T10:43:00.007-07:00

It's been my inclination lately, to get on this thing and just post a bunch of complaints about this or that, but instead decided to wait until I had something a little more worth while to write about. I suppose if I had to assign some sort of a topic to what I want to write about today, it would be one involving the words simplicity or simple pleasures. I've had tremendous unease inside of me as it seems that everything in my life is changing at an uncomfortable pace.

Sometimes, I think a lot of people feel like life is moving at an uncontrollable speed. Sometimes, I think that we forget that we are in the driver's seat. We can yank that emergency brake at any time, and say to ourselves, "I need to slow down for a second and just be in the moment."

This week, I rode a bike for the first time in probably 10-12 years. There were no cell phones. There was no iPod. Just me and my friend, taking about our memories, warning of oncoming traffic, wheezing up inclines, and letting the sun tan our arms. The world slowed down.

I also flew kites on Sunday with my family; an activity I haven't done in nearly twenty years. I felt like kid again, playing with other kids. I didn't care about anything except getting those kites as high as they could go. I looked around at all the other people in the park experiencing the same nostalgic adventure I was experiencing: We were happy, we were inventive, we were free. It was a freedom I haven't felt in quite a long time, and it was exhilarating!

Stillness is a good thing.

Rebirth Without the Morning Sickness.

2008-04-18T11:55:00.003-07:00

I started a new job. I got a gym pass. My nose hairs have been waxed. Bring on the summer!

Colder Than A Robin's Breast

2008-04-08T06:40:00.003-07:00

It was a strange sight to me to look out my window yesterday and see a lone robin standing in the road, with millions of snowflakes falling all around him. Robins are the quintessential symbol of spring and there should be no snow after the robin arrives. While Utah is getting much needed moisture, I feel as though Utah has seen a generous winter. It is now time for the birds to start chirping, the flowers to start blooming, and the sun to start tanning my hide.

It is not the weather that is gloomy, but rather my attitude towards the weather, I know.

The Original Gangstas.

2008-02-22T11:32:00.006-07:00

Four years have spanned in between these two photos. (May 2004-February 2008) This was going to be a short blog. My intention was to comment on how much we've changed physically, stylistically, fashionably; but, I suddenly realize that so much more progression has taken place than hair color and a keener fashion sense.

Looking back on our Original Gangsta epoch, I smile. I want sigh. I want to laugh. I want to cry a little, too. We've all seen so much change. And with that change, though it may have been difficult, came much growth.

I just have to tell you two, how much I appreciate our trio. Whenever one of us needs something, the other two rally together and rush to the aid of our fallen comrade. Whenever a burden was too heavy to carry -an ending relationship, a burdensome secret, or a simple consequence -we have always been able to count on the others to help us carry it until we were strong. It's a very refreshing feeling to know that every once in a while a friendship comes along that really will never end. I love you two very much individually, and as a combination, I can't help but feel we're invincible!

It's Friday, And All Is Well.

2008-02-22T09:46:00.003-07:00

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" -Ronnie Shakes

Counting Sheep Doesn't Work.

2008-02-14T03:45:00.010-07:00

It's nearly four in the morning. I can't sleep. Something inside of me feels uneasy and unsettled. I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to cry, but I don't have a reason to do so. I've never had insomnia this bad.

I met a man tonight that said he thinks about putting a gun in his mouth everyday. I can't stop thinking about that. The whole conversation/situation makes me sad. How do you take that kind of pain away from someone? I saw so much torture in his eyes when he told me, and all I did was tell him not to say such a horrible thing. Now, I wish I had said ten thousand different things to him. More guilt.

Guilt. That is why I am awake tonight. It all makes perfect sense. I hate myself because of the guilt I carry. I feel guilty for a hundred different things. I feel guilty that I hurt people I love (I'm sorry, Mom). I feel guilty that I waste so much time. I feel guilty that I am not a better human being. But most of all, I feel guilty that I let so many people down.

I need to be up at eight. I'd better try to go to bed again. Thanks for text messaging me, Dan. I'm glad you were awake, too.

Happy Anniversary. Thrilling.

2008-02-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Do you know the best selling album of all time? I'm sure you do. It's Michael Jackson's Thriller. (I knew you knew.) It has sold over 104 million records worldwide, and this month marked its 25th anniversary. In honor of the rerelease of the CD, Michael Jackson collaborated with a few artists to remake some of the Thriller classics. Akon doing "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" is amazing, and it's been repeated over and over on my iPod. So, this morning as I surfed the internet trying to get my daily dose of information, I came across a story about the Thriller anniversary on the National Public Radio website, and that led me to one of the funniest things I've seen in quite awhile. These are the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center inmates, in the Philippines, performing to "Thriller." I'm not quite sure if this is a voluntary exercise or if any of these inmates enjoy doing this, but the balding transvestite should get some sort of award for his portrayal of Michael Jackson's girlfriend. Since it's release last Wednesday, 11 million people have watched it on YouTube!

Heidi Ho.

2008-02-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

My sweet, Heidi. I cannot tell you all -again, all three of you who frequent my blog, how influential this person has been on shaping my character. She was there for me through one of the most difficult times in my life, and if it weren't for her love, laughter, matronly care, acceptance, tolerance, (and perhaps a little of her disfunction) I would have checked out this cesspool of difficulty and trials a long time ago. I have so many fond memories of her, and looking back, they are some the most colorful memories to touch the canvas that is my life. She is my vivid reds. She is my brilliant yellows. She is my deep oranges. All those colors that make you feel warm inside.

Heidi, you introduced me to so many things. Bridget Jones. Nalgenes. Rock climbing. You taught me how to live spontaneously. You taught me how to laugh when I wanted to cry. You taught me that one (or three) can survive on twenty dollars for an entire month. You taught me the importance of writing every thought on paper. You taught me the importance of having an opinion or a cause. You taught me to persevere.

This video is for you, my dear friend. Does it bring back memories?

Vegetarians Are Happy People.

2008-02-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ha ha! Just an update: I am on day 9 without meat, and all is well. I just thought this was a funny picture that was on the www.goveg.com website. Apparently, if you are a vegetarian, you spend a lot of time hugging and laughing with your happy/healthy family. There is only sunshine in the vegetarian's life too. Apparently.

Speak On It, Sister.

2008-02-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay. I'm not really sure what I want to blog about tonight. But I need to speak on something.

I cleaned the condos today. I am so glad to be almost done with the first twelve, and then I can have a few minutes in between the next phase to breathe. I'm not complaining at all. The money is fantastic, but it is hard work. I've been breaking out in hives the last four days like crazy, and I am thoroughly convinced that it is because of the dust and cleaning supplies. I am responsible for buying all the cleaning supplies, and so far, I'm about four hundred plus dollars in the hole from having to purchase vacuums, cleaning solutions, and other miscellaneous things. I highly enjoy jobs where I can just rely on myself, put my iPod in my ears, and then just work my a** off. It's so nice to have a whole day to just think to myself. Here is a small little list about things that crossed my mind today while working:

1. My pee is a really weird fluorescent yellow today. (Due to the B vitamin complex I just started.)
2. I am voting for Barack Obama this presidential election should he receive the Democratic nomination.
3. One should use paper towels over cloth towels when cleaning windows.
4. I really enjoy Tom Petty, and I'm not so disappointed Paula Abdul didn't perform during the half time Super Bowl show.
5. I'm not going to be around people who don't make me feel loved.
6. The Radio From Hell morning show on X 96.3 is really a very funny show and a highlight of my day.
7. I love my new wet/dry vac.
8. Who is this guy Brian D. Reagan who has obituary-type signs spanning all along the Wasatch Front?
9. I love Bright Eyes.
10. How am I going to pay my 14k in student loans back?

Can I just say that I'm glad the writer's strike is supposed to be off by the end of the week because television is getting really ridiculous. Has anyone every really watched the new American Gladiators show? It is probably the biggest waste of an hour television spot I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I still try not to watch TV because it really is a waste of time, and most of the time not very uplifting, but Jen and I were eating our Bajio salads and had nothing better to do. Oh, my gosh. Everything was so lame, and definitely not suitable for any viewer. TV rating = NB (Nobody).

I'm leaving you with a tribute to Bright Eyes, one of the most brilliant lyricists/poets/musicians in the world. I heard three of his songs today while my iPod shuffled busily through 30GB of pure musical bliss. He says what I just can't find words to express. This song has an especially sentimental value to me. It's not one of his best songs, but it makes me smile because it reminds me of someone who I love very much, when he still loved me very much. Enjoy!

Never Drink Anything Called "A Mind Eraser."

2008-02-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

Jen and I spent last night at Donkey Tail's. We met this awesome married couple there, and we ended up spending the whole night just hanging out with them. Brad and Kelli. Cool cats. Jen and I are heading back there tonight for the Super Bowl festivities. Hopefully, they'll be there again. I didn't even know who was playing in the Super Bowl until about two days ago. Truth be told, I could care less about the football part. I'm really looking forward to seeing Paula Abdul in the half-time show!

No Title (But Wait, That's A Title.)

2008-01-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just wish I were somebody else entirely. That's all.

Skinny B#@$%!

2008-01-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, one thing I cannot stand at all is when boys (yes, usually gay boys) refer to themselves as bitches. Seriously. You were born with testosterone producing glands, so act like it. But I am just this once, going to aspire to become just that: A skinny bitch. Jen told me about this book, Skinny Bitch, a week or so ago, but she never told me what it was about. I just assumed it was another Confessions of a Shopaholic type book. Then, Adam told me that he was transitioning from being a vegetarian to a strict vegan because of a book he read called Skinny Bitch. He told me that if I read it, I would love it, and it would change the way I looked at food and health forever.

Well, I bought it last night, and finished it today. The verdict? Well, I just sent off for my free Vegetarian Starter Kit from www.goveg.com, and I made it a goal to cut out chicken, beef, and pork from my diet. I don't eat much meat anyway, so I don't think it'll be too hard to do, however; I am taking baby steps and not quite eliminating fish and eggs yet. I am teetering on eradicating dairy as well. Oh, gosh. How would I live without cheese? I tend to fart and get bloated quite a bit when I drink milk, so switching to soy products might be a blessing. Ooh, and I love soy milk! Oh, yeah, and besides producing a lot of interesting and disturbing information, the book posed a question that would stump even Einstein: Who decided to use cows for our milking habits?

Hopefully, with this change in my diet and my already vigorous exercise routine, I'll be a sexy male specimen in no time (still mindful of at least one of my New Year's resolutions! Ha ha!).

Hey, Martha! Mimi's Has The Best Corn Chowder!

2008-01-23T16:26:00.001-07:00

I've been a slacker at this blog thing lately. Just a little recap since the surgery: I recovered for a couple days and then I've just been working at Mimi's. By the way, if I had blogged at all in these past few days, I'm sure it would all be about how much I hate the Mimi's here, and how much I miss the peeps in Orem. No, seriously. I hate it. Who told all the snowbirds in Arizona that they should go to Mimi's for their cup 'o corn chowder? And why does every single one of them insist on asking me how tall I am? Trust me, I get at least five or so clever comments from these old timers a day. Comments like, "Is it true heat rises?" or "Weren't you just drafted to the Suns?" No, sir. Actually, I'm not seven feet tall, I hate basketball, and I'm also dating your grandson. Heart attack. (Thank you, that needed to come out and it's better it came out in written form.) To their credit, I have had a few really sweet elderly guests since I've been here...

Also, if I had blogged I'm sure there would've been just a little "heart" angst in there too, but not too much. I've been dealing with that through music therapy. And lately, the man who can communicate every feeling I have been feeling through music and lyrics, is good ol' Ray. Ray LaMontagne. He is amazing and I highly suggest that anyone who enjoys good talent to get on iTunes right now and download his CD "Till The Sun Turns Black." My personal favorite is "Lesson Learned," but they are all equally good. I'm leaving you with a clip of him performing "Empty." Enjoy!

Goodbye, Tumey.

2008-01-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

I finally had the tumor, Jeremy so lovingly named Tumey, removed from my back. I am so glad to have it gone. The surgery went well, except for it was a little bigger and deeper than anticipated, and at one point I could feel the slicing of fibers that held it to the ligament near my spine because it wasn't numbed deep enough. It hurt so bad I nearly jumped off the table. Other than that, it went swimmingly. I did ask to keep little Tumey, so I could take a picture, but I just realized how disgusting and weird that really is, and I'm sure I'll throw it away soon. But, cheers to no more sleeping sitting up, no more back aches, and hopefully fewer headaches.

Luke's A Big Boy!

2008-01-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm Holding On Your Rope...

2008-01-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

... and I'm ten feet off the ground.

Happy Belated New Year!

2008-01-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

It's now the seventh of January, and I have not even thought of what my New Year's resolutions are going to be. It seems like I am always resolving to do something better all year long. Not really a good thing though, as it means I rarely complete or attain anything. But, nonetheless, I still try.

I think this year, I'd like to get into shape. I mean, get a rock hard body complete with bulging biceps and washboard abs. I talked briefly about training to be a UFC fighter, but have since scratched that idea. I remember before I started school more than two years ago, I was a die hard health nut. I felt so good back then. There's nothing like having that ache in your muscles from having worked a particular body part to the bone. And, no, that was not dirty.

Being a kinder person ranks high on my list. I used to be so attentive to other people's feelings, and I'm not so much anymore. I mean, sure, I still cry every time I see Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but that's not the same. I was the one that would hold the door open for strangers, call my cashier by name, and give every homeless person I saw money or food. I want to participate in those little actions that make the world a little better to live in. I want to feel empathy and compassion.

I want to love myself. I have spent my entire life struggling with this one. I think so many people do. I want to be able to know that I do the best I can, and other people's validation is not necessary to make me feel valuable as a person. I want to be able to say what I want, dress how I want, sing when I want, dance when I want, yell when I want, cry when I want, and know that I am fabulous no matter what anyone else might say. It's easy to fall in love with another person, but it's the hardest thing to fall in love with yourself. The sad thing is that if you don't love the latter you can't truly love anyone else. The companion to this, is the desire to help others love themselves as well. So many of my friends/family members fail to see the gifts, beauty, and potential they possess. I could to a lot better at telling them.

I told a friend of mine recently that she needs to remove all the things in her life that keep her from being truly happy or experiencing joy. I highly doubt that anyone would knowingly take a daily dose of Strychnine and expect to feel good. Why, then, do we allow other things that are poison to negatively affect our lives? This could be foods and drinks, volatile relationships, types of media, defeating thoughts, etc. Anything that has a negative affect, don't do it! D@*# the vices! It's so much easier said than done! So, this is what I'll do: I am going to choose three things that affect me negatively -two easy things, and one difficult, and I am going to purge them from my life.

The truth of the matter is that we are all capable of doing a little better. We are capable because we truly are fabulous. Or as my quote below put it: We are all crazy good in one way or another. This is everyone's best year. I can feel it! The future is bright, and it glitters with opportunity. Opportunities to experience life, make memories with friends and family, and just love, love, love!

There IS An Arizona... And It's 75 Degrees!

2008-01-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it here safely. It's good to be here. Though I miss everyone terribly, I believe it was the right decision. At random moments throughout the day, different people will cross my mind for different reasons, and it makes me a little homesick. I also have a few dear friends who have major changes/trials going on in their lives. I wish I could be closer to them so that I could be more supportive, but I have every bit of faith and confidence in their strength, and I know they'll be okay.

On my way here, I stopped at the edge of Flagstaff, Arizona to get some gas. Mom called me right as I pulled up to the pump. I went into the gas station to prepay, got back into my car, and drove away. I was driving through town, just jabbering away with my mom, and my car began to sputter. I looked down at my fuel gage and the low fuel light was on, and the meter still measured empty. I thought to myself, "That's really weird, I just put gas into my car." Then I realized, I hadn't put any gas in my car. I slipped the attendant thirty dollars, and then sped away. I ended up pumping gas at another station, and then returned to the other station to explain my stupidity, and hopefully get my money refunded. It took a few minutes to figure it out, and after waiting for the manager's approval, I was on my way.

It gets better though. After I made it to Mesa and was settled, my mom sent me to the grocery store to get a loaf of french bread to go with dinner. I went into the store, paid for the bread, got out to my car and realized that I didn't grab the stinking bag off the counter! I was too embarrassed to go back in, especially for a measly baguette, so I drove to another grocery store a few blocks away to pick up another loaf. I definitely was having problems yesterday. Probably fatigue and stress. Ha ha!

I'm staying with my mom until I get settled with a job and have a little more money for an apartment. It's nice to have all those little perks back that so often are taken for granted. You know the ones: having a washer and dryer at your disposal, food in the fridge, homemade meals cooked, and someone who does the dishes. It's like I'm staying at the Hilton (or Kacee's)!

I'm getting ready to go to bed now, and there is a tinge of sadness emerging. I'm not used to it, and I don't like sleeping alone. I'm scared to meet new people. I'm also scared to go to the gym tomorrow. It's been too long, and my body is gross. I think the first time going back to the gym ranks just as high as public speaking on my list of things I fear. Oh, gosh! Not that high, but it's close. Plus, I think I've damaged my heart with all the pain pills I've taken recently, and the moment I get on the treadmill, my heart's just going to explode. Ha ha!

Anyways, I'm hitting the hay. I woke up early this morning, helped clean Mom's studio for eight hours, played nine games of Sequence between three mealtimes, and watched Lord of the Rings. Goodnight!

Party Like A Moxstar.

2008-01-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, someone out there (one of the three of you who look at my blog) is wondering what is a "moxstar"? First, let me start off by giving you the definition of the word moxie. It actually is a word, in the dictionary. I'd never heard of this word until Christmas, when I got a small book of quotes about it from my mom. This is how the dictionary defines it:

mox·ie [mok-see]
–noun Slang.
1. vigor; verve; pep.
2. courage and aggressiveness; nerve.
3. skill; know-how.

This how my little book defines it:

"Moxie. It's a street-smart spirit that's as old as recorded history, and as new as the rising sun. David had it; Goliath didn't. It's that intagible tangible. You don't learn it in school and you can't get it from a book. It can jump oceans and move mountains. It says, "Make your life what it can be. Take your life wherever it can go."

I came up with this little word "moxstar" while driving around town with my mom over Christmas, and it makes me smile everytime I say it. I love moxie, and I want more of it. So I say, "Get addicted to moxie. Live your life like you are a moxstar." Why not, huh?

It's "Bean" A Long Time (Wink, Wink)!

2007-12-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday!

2007-12-29T11:23:00.001-07:00

My Progressive Dinner

2007-12-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

The Day She Fell In Love With Jake...

2007-12-27T08:47:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2007-12-25T16:17:00.001-07:00

California Girls

2007-12-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

My beautiful friends, Lauren (a.k.a. Laureen) and Kaela, came into town for Christmas. We met up at Cafe Rio for lunch, and apparently we're all fans of the pork. Mmm. We talked about our future plans (yes, we all plan on being world famous hair stylists), and made fun of a few fashion transgressions happening in the restaurant. They both are so fun, and they make me laugh. I'm going to be living just four hours away from them when I move, so hopefull I'll be able to see much more of them. How about once a month? Can you commit to that, ladies?

I also went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks with the fam. Sitting on the very front row is not very pleasant. Funny, but not pleasant. Cute movie. I also happened to have a cute niece on my lap the entire time!

Goodbye, Adam

2007-12-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what to write. All I know is that I'm sad. I dropped Adam off at the airport last night. We fought the entire time we drove. We yelled a lot, and then there was silence. He got out of the car, and walked into the airport. No kiss goodbye. I don't know when I'll see him again as I'll be gone to Arizona when he returns to Utah. Everything already feels so different. Everything is changing so quickly, and I'm not sure I like it. Part of me wants to stay here and just deal with mediocrity. I could stay here and make a life that I could be happy with, but it wouldn't be my best life. I refuse to settle anymore. It's hard to let the torture and bliss of our three year relationship fade away into an Arizona sunset. I love you, Adam. I miss you so much already, and it's only day one.

There Is No Arizona

2007-12-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so, that d@#$% song by Jamie O'Neil, called "There Is No Arizona", has been playing in my head over and over. Seriously, several times daily. I was a little worried that this was the song my subconscious was choosing to sing. What if there is no Arizona? No Painted Desert? No Sedona? What if there really is no future for me there, and all of these expectations I have of my new beginning are hollow ones? What if I could fill the Grand Canyon with the lies I've told myself? I'm nine days away from the move, and with each passing day my anxiety gets a little more intense, which causes me to second guess my decision.

I did, however, have an experience yesterday that gave me a glimmer of hope. About two or three months ago, I had a dream in which I was insanely happy. It wasn't a weird dream where the people change and the plot changes constantly. It was just a simple dream, like a day out of my life. I was successful, loved, and content. I remember waking up from the dream feeling a little disappointed that I was still me and still living the life I awakened to. Well, there was a part in my dream where I looked into a dusty mirror. I would've thought nothing of it, but while I was cleaning Kacee's house yesterday, I looked up from my cleaning to see a dusty mirror. It was the exact dusty mirror I saw in my dream, with the exact hand prints, smudges, etc. I had this enormous sense of deja vu come over me, and I was reminded of my dream. I sat there for a minute in shock at the happenstance of the situation.

Did I really have a dream that foretold my future? Was this mirror my sign that I am making the right decisions in my life? Was this dream my confirmation that I am on the path leading me to my ultimate goals? It's hard to believe it, but I'd like to think that these coincidences are evidence of a happiness to come. After the whole dream replayed in my mind, and the deja vu subsided, I just smiled. A big smile. There just might be an Arizona.

Smooth As A Baby's Bottom

2007-12-20T17:10:00.000-07:00

*Okay, Mike's butt might not be as smooth as a baby's bottom, but it was a good title anyway!

Mi Familia at Mi Ranchito

2007-12-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I've kept busy working and spending time at Mike and Kacee's house. Sunday night I worked, and then headed over to the Bartholomew house. We opted to go out to dinner because of the dust debacle, and after that, Kacee and I got started on her Christmas cards. Monday I worked a double at the Meemers, and I worked a double on Tuesday too. Yesterday (Wednesday), I went and cleaned Kacee's house from top to bottom for a little extra spending cash.

In between the work, I have managed to have a little fun in my life too. I did catch the last episodes of "I Love New York 2" and "Tila Tequila: A Shot At Love", both very trashy shows, but both reassure me that I'm normal. (I wanted to post an entire blog devoted to the final episode of Tila Tequila, but then I realized the lameness of that notion, so I am going just give a quick opinion. Tila should've chose Dani. Dani was so cute and she was really in love with Tila. I'm very disappointed.) Last night I went and saw I Am Legend. It was not at all what I expected, but it was very good!

Don't Feed The Monkeys

2007-12-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post this video of my little niece, Paislee, for a while. It makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. She's just like a little monkey in a zoo. We were eating breakfast one morning and she started grunting to let me know she wanted more food on her high chair tray. I'd break her off a piece of a Pop Tart, put it in front of her, and she'd snatch it right up! It was the funniest thing, and then I realized I could record it with my camera. Here's the little monkey in the morning!

Hee Haw!

2007-12-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

I spent the night at Mike and Kacee's this last Tuesday night. We went to Hee Haw Farm and rode on the nativity hay ride. It was so cold outside, but I barely noticed because I had warmers in my gloves and shoes. Part of the hay ride was singing old school carols a capella, and none of us knew the words or the tune! I was impressed, however; Mike has a beautiful and soothing voice. After visiting with Santa, we stopped at Starbucks to warm up with some hot chocolate/lattes. It was a good time, and I'm so glad I got to spend a little more time with the family before I make my journey to Arizona.

Dead, But Clean Cut and Tan!

2007-12-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I had the most unproductive weekend ever. Friday morning I called up and old friend, Trisha, at Metropolitan Salon, to get my haircut. She did an amazing job. You definitely can tell a good hairstylist from a great hairstylist by the way they do a male haircut. While I was sitting there, I started seeing black spots, and my face began going numb. By the time I arrived home, those symptoms erupted into a full blown migraine. I ended up having to call in sick to work and spent the night in bed under my blankets, nauseated and in pain.

I do have a confession to make. I knew I had an hour or so before the migraine arrived in full force, so I put priorities first, and went tanning. While I was in the tanning bed, my eyes started hurting, my head started throbbing, and my hands tightened up so much that I couldn't pull my fingers apart. I thought I was having a seizure! I felt bad for the girl at the front desk who was going to find me dead and naked in the tanning bed. Ha ha! I made it home safely, and buckled down for the long afternoon/night.

Saturday morning Paige brought over little Bella to stay for the weekend. She was a little angel; however, she did pee on my bed and my pillow. There was a snow storm that dumped about eight inches of snow in my yard, so we stayed inside all day. We watched all six hours of The Starter Wife in a row, and napped on and off all day long.

Sunday, I went to the movies with Piper and saw The Bourne Ultimatum. Adam was kind enough to watch Bella while I was gone, and when I came home, she had a brand new charm for her collar and a Christmas sweater. She looked so cute!

All in all, I probably left my apartment about 4 hours in three days. Very unproductive, but so relaxing!

Shocking New Photo Surfaces

2007-12-08T14:58:00.001-07:00

Luke in Singapore at the Geisha Ruby Night Club.

Yoshi

2007-12-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

J'ai regarde' vos yeux et j'ai su que je pourrais vous aimer pour toujours.

Luke's Singapore Vaycay

2007-12-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

When Luke heard his parent's were going out of town, he decided he'd take advantage of their absence. Rather than throwing a house party/kegger like most normal two-year-olds, he decided to spend a night on the town in The Republic of Singapore. It wasn't all he thought it'd be. The night clubs were seedy, and law enforcement is always trying to catch a tourist being unlawful. Singapore cuisine and not being potty trained is never a good combination. The jet lag, along with staying up so much later than 8 p.m. taxed his stamina. There was also an incident at the airport involving some sort of contraband, but Luke was reluctant to get into details. Luckily, Uncle Chaddy was there to bail him out of federal custody. I promised to keep it on the down low, if he was a good boy for the remainder of my baby sitting stint.

(I just learned a few more editing tips in Photoshop.)

It's Official!

2007-12-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

I checked the mail right before I went into work last night, and there it was: the envelope containing my State Boards test results. I was on my way to work, so I decided I'd wait to see what awaited inside because if it was bad news, I didn't want it to ruin my entire night at wok. So, as soon as my shift ended, I went out in my car, took a deep breath, and tore it open. (Drum roll, please) I passed with a 95 percent! It's official, I am a licensed hairstylist.

I am so excited for the future.

America's Top Models

2007-12-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

I told Paislee to give her best model look, and she decided to go with the pouty lip. Um, so why do I always look like Dracula in black and white photos?

Best (and Most Exhausting) Weekend Ever!

2007-12-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

Kacee and Mike went out of town this weekend, and I was able to stay at the house for a few days and watch the little darlings (and the little shit, Miley)! We kept busy cleaning up messes, watching "shows," making art projects, cleaning up messes, reading stories, playing hide-and-go-seek, and cleaning up more messes. It was a good time filled with new cherished memories, and I learned a few things too:

1. I don't want to be a parent anytime soon. Being an uncle is okay for now.
2. I never want a dog.
3. I actually can function on four hours sleep.
4. Being a mom is a full-time job.
5. Patience is definitely a virtue.
6. I love my nieces and nephew more than anything in this world.

Free Hugs

2007-11-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I found this video on You Tube this morning. I think I might have seen it years ago, but it's still in circulation and still gaining momentum. You can check out the related videos too, as they're almost better than the original. Here is the official Free Hugs Campaign website, too. There's no shame in being a hugger.

Two Michelob Ultras and a Bud Light, Please.

2007-11-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

I met up with Jen and Bonnie tonight at Chili's. It's so good to reunite with the "Original Gangstas" every once in a while. It's with much regret and much relief that we didn't quite make it to Atchafalaya tonight to get our karaoke on. Maybe we can get into trouble and brush up on our air guitar skills next week, ladies.

Scared and Almost "Weeping"

2007-11-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

Last night I went over to Kacee's to do her hair, but I forgot my tint brushes, bowls, and gloves. We postponed the appointment until tonight when I get off work. I brought her a CD filled with songs from my new all time most favorite indie/folk band, The Weepies. I was so excited to introduce to her to them because they are just such a happy band, full of optimistic lyrics, and such invested vocals. Since we had the whole night free, we decided to go Christmas decoration shopping and hit up a party (not a party party, but the candle/jewelry/tupperware kind) in West Jordan. We popped the CD into the Burb, fastened our seat belts, and set out into the storm.

The roads were icy, the snow was falling, and the wind was blowing. There was a little traffic because it was still closer to rush hour traffic than not, and everyone seemed to slow to a cautious speed as a result of the impending blizzard... except for Kacee! I've always been amazed at how she weaves through lanes of traffic. She's never been afraid to slam on the gas pedal to merge into a lane of traffic. I can think of several occasions when I've braced myself between the seat and the glove box due to a suddent jolt of the brakes and the rapid approach of the tail lights of the car in front of us. She jovially carried a conversation as if she were commuting a country road on a summer day. She showed no fear, meanwhile, I was clenching the sides of my seats, praying we didn't spin off the road. Luckily, the storm let up early into the trip, and I was able breathe normally.

This is a perfect example of how my sister decides to go somewhere (metaphorically and literally), sunshine or storm, and arrives right on schedule. I will always recall my love for her and this memory when I listen to my treasured Weepies.

Caffeine and Compassion

2007-11-27T01:31:00.001-07:00

Today was Wes' funeral. It was a good service, and I didn't leave feeling as sad and depressed as I thought it would leave me. I was debating on whether or not I would go. I still have such a hard time with things that make me reflect and contemplate theological ideas. Death scares me beyond belief, and I am terrified of Heavenly Father and His judgement. It's very hard for me to talk to Him, and I exercise a lot of faith when I pray to Him because I don't believe I am worthy of His attention. Paradoxically, when things get really bad, I know that He is the first person with whom I should communicate, and I know he is the source of all the goodness in my life. It's a very confusing way to feel sometimes. Being a gay man, and not being sure how I fit in to His plan creates an exhausting urgency to be better than yesterday. Everyday I strive for Christlike attributes, and I pray for opportunities to develop compassion and selflessness. Being such a weak man, I fall extremely short of anything near to these goals, and as a result, I live a life filled with severe guilt and fear. As I thought of this state in which I live, I decided that it's okay that I feel this way. Always feeling inadequate keeps me always striving to be a "good" person, and perhaps someday I will attain sufficient "goodness" to be worthy of God's love and grace. I just wish the underlined fear would go away. Like I said, I can't do philosophy or theology. It makes me crazy.

Later tonight, Shay called to see if I wanted to join herself, Kioa, and Chris for some coffee. Mmm, Peppermint Mocha Latte! We met up at Starbucks, and sat outside in the cold talking about Wes, and things related to his death. It was an uplifting conversation, and I soon forgot that it was freezing! Friendships were strengthened, and my life was enriched by these three.

While there, I ran into my cousin, Tiffany, who was picking up coffee for the nurses who are working in the NICU on little Grayson. He is now two pounds, and his health fluctuates. She said that her and her mom were talking about me just yesterday. It's funny how often just thinking or talking about someone can usher them into your life. That happens to me so often. I need to try and see Aunt Jill soon since she's in town. Those two have always been at the top of my "Extended Family Favorites" list.

After Starbucks, we all went to my apartment to play games and hang out. A couple of Shay's friends joined us. It was a good time. It was a good day. I am pretty sure I think too much.

Be Nice (Or Else!)

2007-11-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

I saw The Mist today. It was scary, suspenseful, and well-made. If you're into that genre of movie, I'd highly recommend it because it kept me on the edge of my seat. But I think I've decided that I can't handle scary movies anymore. I left the movie theater with the worst feeling, and it took a long nap to make it go away. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't feel that well in my heart when I watch many television shows either. Classic examples of the type of shows I'm referring to are, Forensic Files, CNN broadcasts, and most talk shows. Sure, they are entertaining and interesting, but they don't make my soul feel well inside. I'm not sure why I'd expect them to when they are filled with violence, murder, and pain. I sleep with my television on sometimes, and when I do so with one of those types of shows on, I have such a hard time falling asleep.
While thinking about this topic, I remembered something I read in Be Nice Or Else, a book written by one of my mentors/friends, Winn Claybaugh. In it he gives this advice:

He begins by speaking about newscasts, "If it bleeds, it leads. The most negative and violent news always leads each newscast. Why? Because newscasters know they'll hook you on the drama. Isn't that a sad practice to boost viewership and raings? The ten o'clock news will give you detailed facts about crime, violence, and bad news, but it won't tell you how many people fell in love that day. It won't tell you how many people volunteered their time that day."
Speaking about talk shows and soap operas he continues, "Many television shows focus on gossip and negative behavior. They tend to present the most critical, tragic, and petty side of human nature. They attract an audience by bringing out the worst in people. I know people who say they turn on the television in order to have background noise while they move about their day, but don't fool yourself into thinking that negative information doesn't get inside your head."
He concludes, "As a society, we've become desensitized to violence. It's commonplace in movies, videos, music, television programs, and books. This is one of the most detrimental ways to program your mind... Have you ever watched children as they watch violence on television? It's so unnatural to them that they squirm and take short breaths. Violence is unnatural to your physical body and loving soul --just as are bickering, critiquing, judging, and heartlessness-- but many have made it a part of who they are."

Wow, now as I step off my soapbox... I'm not trying to sound judgmental to those who enjoy these kinds of movies and shows, but personally, my heart can't handle it. I've been focusing the past week on how I can develop greater empathy, and the first small step I'm going to take in my life to become just a little bit kinder (or nice!) is to eliminate all media that promotes violence, pain, and fear.

Sweet Grandma Pat

2007-11-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

A table of older women came to eat at Mimi's today. In fact, one was nearly a hundred, the other, perhaps in her late seventies. Mother and daughter. I remembered them from about eight or so months ago, partly because the near century old mother has the most piercing blue eyes, and partly because I reveled that a woman so old was consuming so much wine! I couldn't remember exactly what it was we talked about the time before, but I knew it was a good conversation, and I was thrilled to see them again.

The mother was a little lady whose white, thinning curls laid delicately around her face. She sat at the booth in a red, oversized pea coat. She sipped on her glass of wine, and ate her Cordon Bleu. Her eyelids sagged, and her wrinkles ran from the corner of her eyes down to her rosy cheeks. Her cherry lipstick extended far outside of the lip's boundaries, and it emphasized the broken crimson blood vessels in her face. She had a few random silver hairs that popped out of her chin, which squiggled and curled, and I wanted to tweeze them. I watched her as the alcohol absorbed into her tiny frame, and with every swallow she became more festive and light-hearted. It was truly a sight, and simple conversation would not do.

I joined the ladies when my shift ended for glass of Chardonnay and a dose of the "good days." The mother, who later insisted I call her Grandma Patricia (and even later, Pat), told me about parts of her life, and would rely on her daughter to produce certain details she couldn't recall, such as a town or person's name. She experienced life, and was not afraid to tell me anything she'd done! She looked back with no regrets! It was so much fun to sit and listen as she divulged secrets and experiences from her past. She spoke warmly about her family and her children. She saw the world, and she tasted life. I admired her spunk and her tenacity. Grandma Pat laughed, sang, cursed, and even gave me a kiss before she left. It was the perfect end to a long day at work.

I told her that I'd like to go to lunch with her and her daughter again before I moved to Arizona. I slipped her my number, and she slipped me a ten dollar bill. I don't expect I'll hear from her again, but I sure as heck will never forget her!

The Bell Tolls...

2007-11-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about tonight. The most important thing that happened today is that I was privileged to serve Paige, and Wes' family. It was a very somber lunch to say the least. I asked the hostesses not to seat me while I served the party because first of all, I was so overcome with heartache, but secondly, giving them an immaculately served meal was the only thing I could do at that moment to help them through their grief. I still cannot imagine what Paige is going through, nor can I even begin to understand the pain it must cause a parent to bury a child. It is something I hope I or any other loved one in my life never has to do.

I think that when something tragic like this occurs, it is a common human behavior to make the tragedy one's own. I'm not sure if it's some sort of defense mechanism inside the brain to deal with the confusion and emotions associated with such intense information, but I was dismayed at some of the reactions of those around me. (i.e., while watching Grey's Anatomy with the family on Thanksgiving night, Merideth was talking to the Chief Resident about how she was so upset that she would always be remembered as the one who delivered the news to the wife of a Paramedic who was dying; meanwhile, the wife was hysterically saying her goodbyes to the dying husband! Mike, who was watching, even said out loud, "Merideth,it's not about you!") I was so saddened by those who instead of trying to empathize with those directly affected with the news, were sending texts to everyone they knew to be the bearer of it. I was even a little angered with those I knew barely knew Wes, who were falling apart without any regard to his poor wife who is a widow at age 21 or his family who found him in his bed already gone.

Empathy. I suppose that's the word of the day. Empathy is being able to understand and share in another's feelings. It's my prayer for myself that I can have the clarity and awareness to be able to share and understand another's pain instead of taking it from them, and for selfish reasons, making it my own.

"No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee." -John Donne

Family, Food, and Fun!

2007-11-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure I'd have time to post today, but yay(!), here's another Happy Thanksgiving Post! I am so excited for today! I have to go to work for five hours, and then I'm off to Kacee's for Thanksgiving dinner!

I couldn't sleep last night. It was an emotionally draining day, and I needed to find something to make me laugh. I looked at a bunch of You Tube Videos, Best Week Ever Clips, and then I found the video that made me laugh out loud. Here it is, and thank you Will Ferrell, for making me go to sleep on a lighter note. Warning: Pearl has a potty mouth!

Time Is Running Out

2007-11-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

When I got to work today, I was told that a friend/coworker passed away just minutes before my shift started. It was the most surreal feeling in the world. I worked with him the night before. He was very alive. Interacting with people, talking about Thanksgiving plans, joking with other servers. Now today, he's gone. My heart aches for his poor wife. I cannot imagine the nightmare she's going through. I can't imagine how lonely her bed is going to be tonight. This Thanksgiving suddenly means so much more.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have many things to be thankful for. As I've grown older, I've realized that the key to being happy is to realize how truly lucky I am to have so many wonderful blessings in my life. I also believe that if I keep a constant prayer of gratitude in my heart, I can experience a state of constant bliss. It's like the quotation says, how can I complain about not having new shoes when there are people who have no feet! I take for granted everyday, the simple (and not so simple) things that my Heavenly Father so graciously gives to me. I am not entitled to anything, and how easily I forget that! I love Thanksgiving. I love that it brings families and friends together, to sit and eat and spend time together. I love that this is a holiday where there is no confusion as to what the day is for. It is simply a day to reflect on our blessings and to give thanks to those who bestow them upon us.

Fun With Photoshop!

2007-11-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've been fooling around a little with Photoshop, and I'm loving it! Everyday I learn something new, and it's addicting! If I keep having so much fun, I might have to forego my plans to be a hairstylist, and edit photos for a living. Keep in mind it's been three days since I started, so don't expect professionalism yet!

Before

After

Before

After

Before

After

Anyways, there it is. Give me another week and I'll be an expert! Just kidding. Well, I'm off to work...

Now, the Waiting Game.

2007-11-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

Well, the State Boards are finished. I know I passed the written portion already because they give you the score right after you take it, but the practical/hands-on portion of it isn't isn't scored immediately. I have to wait for 3-4 weeks to get the results. There were a couple mistakes that I realized, but they were nothing that would have caused me to fail the test. I did, however, cut my damn thumb during the hair shaping section of the test, and I am a little iffy on whether or not I handled the blood spill correctly. They made me do another blood spill, which they weren't supposed to, and I didn't have enough plastic biohazard bags for the second blood spill because I already used them for the first one! So, I'm not quite sure what to think about the whole thing. I'm just going to wait it out and hope for the best. But, I do have to admit the thought of having to repay all the fees, drive two hours to the testing site, and to test for five hours does sound unbearable!

The lighter side of this day, was that my dear friend, Dari, and her husband Chris, live just south of Ogden, and I was able to spend the night at their house. We went out to eat at El Burrito (who by the way charges $1 to refill the chip bowl. Are chips that expensive?) and then retuned home to let our stomachs settle. We watched the cutest little movie called Paris Je T'Aime, which is a full length film that is composed of 18 or so short films about people's relationships in Paris. After our food settled a little bit, Chris treated me to a Tiger's Blood snow cone with ice cream on top. Mmm. Dari and I then met up with a friend in SLC who's boyfriend was having a birthday party. Dari and I have not had "Chad and Dari time" for quite a while. It was nice to be able to relax in the company of someone who just makes me feel so comfortable and loved. Added bonuses: Her husband, Chris, and little Cooper the Pooper, and Sigur Rós music videos. Oh, yeah, and if you ever do stay at the Perry household, the turndown service is amazing; complete with Sour Patch Kids on the pillow!

Kacee made a gourmet meal on Sunday night. Slow cooked pork, black beans with sauteed onions, homemade tortillas, and all the fixings for tacos and burritos. It was delicious! What's a Mexican meal without the blended mixed drinks (virgin, of course)? Yup, Mike made his famous Pina Coladas and Strawberry Daquiris! After-meal activities: Wii, Taboo, and "The Amazing Race." The kids were as cute as ever, and they look bigger and more grown up everytime I visit. I feel so much love when I go to the Bartholomew's house. I looked around at the family and it made me a little sad to think that in just a little over four weeks, this source of so much happiness will be so far away.

Wish Me Luck... Again!

2007-11-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

I passed the State Board Written Exam with an 85%. Now, I'm nervous, anxious, and sick over the State Board Practical Exam that I have to take tomorrow afternoon. I'm planning on spending the day practicing/setting up for the big test tomorrow. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so nervous. Gail gave me little mantra to repeat to myself, and that's just what I'm going to do: "I know all this. I'm going to get in there, get it done, and get out."

Wish Me Luck!

2007-11-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, today I am studying like crazy to prepare for the written part of my State Board Exam. I'm looking over the content and I'm thinking to myself, "Shit. I don't know anything." I have twelve more hours of studying to go. Hopefully my mind will retain some of what I need to know and I can pull through with the minimum 75% required to pass!

A Tribute: My Best Friend, Jen.

2007-11-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

I am rich in friends, and perhaps one of my most treasured of friends is Jen. It is difficult to describe her or the reasons why I love her. Even in all her simplicity, she's still so complex. What I do know is this: She is human. She loves, she hurts, she rises, and she falls. She is vulnerable and, yet, so strong.

When I look into Jen's eyes I see a kaleidoscope of emotion. Her warm eyes whisper a subtle invitation of friendship, and at the same time, they hesitate with the caution of someone who has had broken trust and a broken heart. Jen is a woman who wants to be loved. She gives some too much credit, and sells herself way too short. She's not afraid to speak her mind, and at the same time avoids confrontation. She carries herself confidently, but doesn't quite believe in herself. She is beautiful. She knows the importance of a new bag or pair of jeans versus paying an overdue gas or electric bill. She listens with a mind devoid of judgement, and imparts advice with the wisdom of ages. When she says, "I love you," you know she's sincere. She gives and gives and gives (and gives a little more).

Jen understands me. I'm not sure if it's because she makes an effort to do so, but I'd like to think that it's simply because our friendship was written in the stars. Whether we were sitting on the couch watching reality television re-runs or living the fabulous life out on the town, I always knew I was with someone who loved me. Jen will always occupy a tender spot in my heart, free of rent.