Carry On, I Suppose.

“Though you break your heart, men will go on as before.”
-Marcus Aurelius

Slow Decay.

This is my self portrait today. I feel sad. I feel dead. There is too much noise in my head.

It Finally Happened...

There is always a song running through my head. Every single second of every single day. Right now, it is "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen, my favorite band of all time. I'm wondering if this is a precursor of things to come or if it's just a catchy tune that's surfaced into the active part of my brain. I do have to say, however; that I have felt slightly manic these past few weeks. I have been writing/thinking the most random things. I am afraid I might really "be missing that one final screw," and I kind of enjoy it. (Enter psychotic laughter.)

Sunday Thought:

We should all aspire to be green.

I'd Like To Dress Up In You!

After three days of rainy/cloudy/overcast weather, the sun is out again, and the sky is a perfect blue. For the last week or so, there's been a lone violinist bleeding the saddest song in the back of my heart. With this morning's emergence of sunny rays, I am determined and confident that I will be able to take that dreary solo, and turn it into an orchestra of playful piano chords, trombone bantering, and perhaps, some crazy person with an enormous set of cymbals! I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to be happy this past week, but I'm still pressing forward!

My completely random: I would have given a kidney to be at the Olympic ceremonies last night. I still believe in world peace.

Twilight Is Very Similar To Dawn.

I was driving to Salt Lake City this afternoon for brunch, and this black BMW 780 sped past me and then darted into my lane cutting me off. I didn't get mad. Not at all. I just smiled, and said out loud, "You are a beautiful car. Mine is on its way." Hearing myself say those words, without any hesitation, made my smile grow even larger. I have amazing things coming my way, and with each passing day I realize more and more that I might actually be quite fabulous. I have a lot to offer the world, and I'm up for the challenge. I also know that when you offer your services to the world, the world offers up its services to you. Yes, even shiny cars.

While my current mood is sloping downward at this moment due to guilt, mostly, I am filled with an underlined sense of hope and bliss. Today was a day filled with good friends and kind words (and beer and champagne). Although my skin feels tremendously thin right now, and my ribcage is nowhere near enough protection for my weary heart, I know I'm going to be fine.

Completely random: I am nearly two hundred pages into the book Twilight, and I am already in love with Edward. All you mothers/ladies out there, I now understand what all the hype is about.

I Have Become A Virgin

Chad: "Why are relationships so hard?"
Siara: "Relationships are only hard for beautiful people."
Chad: "I know, and why is that?"
Siara: "Beautiful people always have to worry that they'll be replaced by someone more beautiful. Ugly people are just happy to have found someone."

See, Siara. Elizabeth and I really aren't that different.

Dharamsala, Here I Come!

I asked my mom for a one-way ticket to India for my birthday. She said no.

Death By Reality Television.

Okay, so, I'm not really depressed. I'm actually far from it, but any excuse I have to make a pouty face, I'll take it. I do have a lot on my mind though, and I have not really had a good night's sleep in several days. I'm not complaining as they've been great nights, there's just been no sleeping. I think the exhaustion of going going going, along with the excessive (excessive for me) drinking, has finally caught up with me. But now with a good six hours of sitting, resting, reading, munching, and television watching under my belt, I am ready to go non-stop for another week.

I've decided a few things today, while sitting on my lazy keister. I've decided I know nothing about dating; I don't know how to do it, and it scares the hell out of me. I've decided that unless you are going somewhere fabulous, a week and a half off from work is really unnecessary. I've also decided that I still am not where I belong. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not where I belong. I need to figure out what I'm going to do about it.

I read the first 40 pages of Into the Wild this morning. It made me cry. I want to leave life as I know it sometimes. Actually, I want to disappear a lot of the time. There is this fire of exploration and discovery that burns inside of me, and its embers are red hot inside my soul! I want to see every part of the world and bathe in it's beauty. I want to meet people, and learn from them. I want to be surrounded by the dangers that lurk in the shadows of the most remote locations, and then bask in the serenity of the most picturesque settings. I want no possessions. I want to explore not only the world, but have the freedom, time and space to explore my self. Not myself, but my "self," that innermost part of my being. I am wondering if I should've left when I originally planned on going. I don't regret anything thus far in my life, but I fear that if I never go, that would be the one thing in my life that would make me saddened on my death bed.

On a completely different note, I'd like to use the word "austere" more often.

My Bedtime Story.

I am an extraordinary soul, trapped in a mediocre man's body. I want to shed my skin and take flight!

Counting Sheep Doesn't Work.

It's nearly four in the morning. I can't sleep. Something inside of me feels uneasy and unsettled. I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to cry, but I don't have a reason to do so. I've never had insomnia this bad.

I met a man tonight that said he thinks about putting a gun in his mouth everyday. I can't stop thinking about that. The whole conversation/situation makes me sad. How do you take that kind of pain away from someone? I saw so much torture in his eyes when he told me, and all I did was tell him not to say such a horrible thing. Now, I wish I had said ten thousand different things to him. More guilt.

Guilt. That is why I am awake tonight. It all makes perfect sense. I hate myself because of the guilt I carry. I feel guilty for a hundred different things. I feel guilty that I hurt people I love (I'm sorry, Mom). I feel guilty that I waste so much time. I feel guilty that I am not a better human being. But most of all, I feel guilty that I let so many people down.

I need to be up at eight. I'd better try to go to bed again. Thanks for text messaging me, Dan. I'm glad you were awake, too.

No Title (But Wait, That's A Title.)

Sometimes, I just wish I were somebody else entirely. That's all.

I'm Holding On Your Rope...

... and I'm ten feet off the ground.