Goodbye, Mimi's!

I quit Mimi's Cafe last night. Over three long years. Sad to leave friends, but glad to move on and make new ones elsewhere.

License and Registration, Please.

I haven't posted in a couple days. Well, I have, but they were mean posts, and I don't want to be a mean person, so I deleted them.

I am completely over Adam. He can have his perception of how things were, and I will have mine. I hope he finds happiness. This will be the last time I mention Adam.

So, today I got up and got my new car registered. Finally. I tried to do it nearly two months ago, but then I needed to wait until I got a notarized bill of sale for it. Then I tried to get the safety and emissions done, but my tint was too dark. It is finally legal, and besides having to spend nearly $250 a month on gas, I love it!

The "X," Not The Ex.

As much as I want to call; as much as I want to text; and as much as I want to email; I won't. My reward: a big red "x" marked in the square on the calendar of the days that I don't. My equivalent to a gold star. It's quite pathetic, I know, but the human heart feels what it feels, and my heart feels broken. And if it takes me indicating my restraint on a given Monday or a distraction on the following Friday to help it mend, then that's what I'll do.

The good news: every "x" on my calendar is day a that the pain is a little more dulled, the sense of missing Adam eases, and the hope that better days are coming becomes more believable. Those little red "x"s are marching further and further away from June 9th (the last time I communicated with Adam), and before you know it they'll be skipping into September, and then dancing through December!

I welcome Singledom with open arms.

Aging Like a Fine Wine!

Happy Birthday, Mom. I can't believe you've survived fifty years of life's experiences. Come to think of it, some of those years have been pretty s*%#$y! But, I suppose that is exactly why so many people admire you and look to you as a hero. You never complain, you always preserver, you love unconditionally -all while maintaining a sense of humor and feistiness. I couldn't have been given a better blessing than to have you as my mother, my "mamacita", and my friend. I love you, and think you are beautiful in every single way. Here's to fifty more years (oh, dear, should I only wish for thirty upon you?!!)! Your son loves you more than you'll ever know.

Love Is Sinkable.

Well, I have lost the fifteen pounds I planned on losing since the beginning of the year. After Adam and I broke up, I decided that instead of going into a depression induced coma, I would instead channel that energy into something positive and productive. I went to the gym everyday for nearly a month straight, sometimes twice a day. I was running at least eight miles a day, and when I was feeling especially anxious/motivated, I would run nearly fifteen. Between the exercise and the mostly raw fruit and vegetable diet, I dropped nine pounds in a little over three weeks.

Adam went to Europe shortly after we broke up, and I maintained an upward momentum for the first three or four weeks of his being on vacation (minus a few drunk voice and text messages). However; I realized that all the things I'd been doing to distract myself from admitting that out already weakening relationship was finally being laid to rest, were doing just that: distracting me from admitting the reality of the situation. Our three years together was coming to an end. At that realization, I nearly lost control at the onslaught of emotion that engulfed me. That is when I began what I like to call the "sleep induced diet." Basically, what it consists of is taking some sort of pill(s) to put you to sleep so that you don't have to deal with what's causing the pain around you. If you do that when you get off work, you miss dinner. If you do that when you have an entire day off, you miss all three meals of the day! Missing consistent meals for a week equals six pounds!

I dialed Adam's phone everyday he was gone on vacation just to hear his voice on his voicemail message. It was comforting to me. The whole time I was praying that he'd see something in Italy that took his breath away and think to himself, "I wish Chad were here to see this." or be staying in a seedy hostel in Germany and say, "I would feel safer if Chad were here with me." I called every single day, and when I called and it finally did ring, I almost couldn't contain myself. I wanted nothing more than to have him pick up and say, "Chad! I missed you! I'm sorry! I love you! Let's make this work!" He didn't answer. I was once again left with his voicemail, and a beep. But this time, I knew that there was not two thousand miles blocking our communication, but rather, somebody on the other end who simply didn't want to answer.

It's hard to understand how I could love somebody so much and how there were no warm feelings reciprocated. It's also hard to feel like I invested so much into somebody's life, and to have them cut me out of it so quickly, makes me feel lost. I know his favorite foods, his favorite color. I know his morning routine. I know where every mole is located on his body. I know what shows he watches in the afternoon, and that he falls asleep to Law & Order SVU at night. I know the percentage of cocoa he likes in his dark chocolate. I know which of his jeans to air dry. I know what size shoe he wears. I know that he hates bad customer service and he hates to be hot. Now, I'm just supposed to forget it all.

Perhaps the hardest thing about this whole breakup experience, is the fact that our perceptions on how our relationship was are so differing. He seems to have forgotten all the hundreds of ways that I tried to show my love towards him, make him feel like he was special, and demonstrate my devotion to making our relationship work. He doesn't remember our traditions, our laughter, our intimate moments or our conversations. He doesn't remember my willingness to ease his burdens or help him accomplish something he needed doing. He only remembers unhappiness. Towards the end of our relationship, I was not happy, but it was not because I didn't love him. It was because I was the only one trying anymore. He left emotionally many, many months earlier.

I can't help but miss him though. Everything around me reminds me of him. I am sad for the love I lost and for what we potentially could've found in each other. I will not, however; remain indolent any longer.

I suppose some things aren't meant to be reclaimed. After all, the Titanic still lays on the bottom of the ocean. And that is how my relationship with Adam will be remembered: like that seemingly unsinkable ship, which wasn't strong enough to withstand what was lurking in the depths of the bitter cold.

High As A Kite

It's been my inclination lately, to get on this thing and just post a bunch of complaints about this or that, but instead decided to wait until I had something a little more worth while to write about. I suppose if I had to assign some sort of a topic to what I want to write about today, it would be one involving the words simplicity or simple pleasures. I've had tremendous unease inside of me as it seems that everything in my life is changing at an uncomfortable pace.

Sometimes, I think a lot of people feel like life is moving at an uncontrollable speed. Sometimes, I think that we forget that we are in the driver's seat. We can yank that emergency brake at any time, and say to ourselves, "I need to slow down for a second and just be in the moment."

This week, I rode a bike for the first time in probably 10-12 years. There were no cell phones. There was no iPod. Just me and my friend, taking about our memories, warning of oncoming traffic, wheezing up inclines, and letting the sun tan our arms. The world slowed down.

I also flew kites on Sunday with my family; an activity I haven't done in nearly twenty years. I felt like kid again, playing with other kids. I didn't care about anything except getting those kites as high as they could go. I looked around at all the other people in the park experiencing the same nostalgic adventure I was experiencing: We were happy, we were inventive, we were free. It was a freedom I haven't felt in quite a long time, and it was exhilarating!

Stillness is a good thing.

Rebirth Without the Morning Sickness.

I started a new job. I got a gym pass. My nose hairs have been waxed. Bring on the summer!

Colder Than A Robin's Breast

It was a strange sight to me to look out my window yesterday and see a lone robin standing in the road, with millions of snowflakes falling all around him. Robins are the quintessential symbol of spring and there should be no snow after the robin arrives. While Utah is getting much needed moisture, I feel as though Utah has seen a generous winter. It is now time for the birds to start chirping, the flowers to start blooming, and the sun to start tanning my hide.

It is not the weather that is gloomy, but rather my attitude towards the weather, I know.