Four years have spanned in between these two photos. (May 2004-February 2008) This was going to be a short blog. My intention was to comment on how much we've changed physically, stylistically, fashionably; but, I suddenly realize that so much more progression has taken place than hair color and a keener fashion sense.
Looking back on our Original Gangsta epoch, I smile. I want sigh. I want to laugh. I want to cry a little, too. We've all seen so much change. And with that change, though it may have been difficult, came much growth.
I just have to tell you two, how much I appreciate our trio. Whenever one of us needs something, the other two rally together and rush to the aid of our fallen comrade. Whenever a burden was too heavy to carry -an ending relationship, a burdensome secret, or a simple consequence -we have always been able to count on the others to help us carry it until we were strong. It's a very refreshing feeling to know that every once in a while a friendship comes along that really will never end. I love you two very much individually, and as a combination, I can't help but feel we're invincible!
It's nearly four in the morning. I can't sleep. Something inside of me feels uneasy and unsettled. I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick to my stomach. I want to cry, but I don't have a reason to do so. I've never had insomnia this bad.
I met a man tonight that said he thinks about putting a gun in his mouth everyday. I can't stop thinking about that. The whole conversation/situation makes me sad. How do you take that kind of pain away from someone? I saw so much torture in his eyes when he told me, and all I did was tell him not to say such a horrible thing. Now, I wish I had said ten thousand different things to him. More guilt.
Guilt. That is why I am awake tonight. It all makes perfect sense. I hate myself because of the guilt I carry. I feel guilty for a hundred different things. I feel guilty that I hurt people I love (I'm sorry, Mom). I feel guilty that I waste so much time. I feel guilty that I am not a better human being. But most of all, I feel guilty that I let so many people down.
I need to be up at eight. I'd better try to go to bed again. Thanks for text messaging me, Dan. I'm glad you were awake, too.
Do you know the best selling album of all time? I'm sure you do. It's Michael Jackson's Thriller. (I knew you knew.) It has sold over 104 million records worldwide, and this month marked its 25th anniversary. In honor of the rerelease of the CD, Michael Jackson collaborated with a few artists to remake some of the Thriller classics. Akon doing "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" is amazing, and it's been repeated over and over on my iPod. So, this morning as I surfed the internet trying to get my daily dose of information, I came across a story about the Thriller anniversary on the National Public Radio website, and that led me to one of the funniest things I've seen in quite awhile. These are the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center inmates, in the Philippines, performing to "Thriller." I'm not quite sure if this is a voluntary exercise or if any of these inmates enjoy doing this, but the balding transvestite should get some sort of award for his portrayal of Michael Jackson's girlfriend. Since it's release last Wednesday, 11 million people have watched it on YouTube!
My sweet, Heidi. I cannot tell you all -again, all three of you who frequent my blog, how influential this person has been on shaping my character. She was there for me through one of the most difficult times in my life, and if it weren't for her love, laughter, matronly care, acceptance, tolerance, (and perhaps a little of her disfunction) I would have checked out this cesspool of difficulty and trials a long time ago. I have so many fond memories of her, and looking back, they are some the most colorful memories to touch the canvas that is my life. She is my vivid reds. She is my brilliant yellows. She is my deep oranges. All those colors that make you feel warm inside.
Heidi, you introduced me to so many things. Bridget Jones. Nalgenes. Rock climbing. You taught me how to live spontaneously. You taught me how to laugh when I wanted to cry. You taught me that one (or three) can survive on twenty dollars for an entire month. You taught me the importance of writing every thought on paper. You taught me the importance of having an opinion or a cause. You taught me to persevere.
This video is for you, my dear friend. Does it bring back memories?
Ha ha! Just an update: I am on day 9 without meat, and all is well. I just thought this was a funny picture that was on the www.goveg.com website. Apparently, if you are a vegetarian, you spend a lot of time hugging and laughing with your happy/healthy family. There is only sunshine in the vegetarian's life too. Apparently.
Okay. I'm not really sure what I want to blog about tonight. But I need to speak on something.
I cleaned the condos today. I am so glad to be almost done with the first twelve, and then I can have a few minutes in between the next phase to breathe. I'm not complaining at all. The money is fantastic, but it is hard work. I've been breaking out in hives the last four days like crazy, and I am thoroughly convinced that it is because of the dust and cleaning supplies. I am responsible for buying all the cleaning supplies, and so far, I'm about four hundred plus dollars in the hole from having to purchase vacuums, cleaning solutions, and other miscellaneous things. I highly enjoy jobs where I can just rely on myself, put my iPod in my ears, and then just work my a** off. It's so nice to have a whole day to just think to myself. Here is a small little list about things that crossed my mind today while working:
1. My pee is a really weird fluorescent yellow today. (Due to the B vitamin complex I just started.) 2. I am voting for Barack Obama this presidential election should he receive the Democratic nomination. 3. One should use paper towels over cloth towels when cleaning windows. 4. I really enjoy Tom Petty, and I'm not so disappointed Paula Abdul didn't perform during the half time Super Bowl show. 5. I'm not going to be around people who don't make me feel loved. 6. The Radio From Hell morning show on X 96.3 is really a very funny show and a highlight of my day. 7. I love my new wet/dry vac. 8. Who is this guy Brian D. Reagan who has obituary-type signs spanning all along the Wasatch Front? 9. I love Bright Eyes. 10. How am I going to pay my 14k in student loans back?
Can I just say that I'm glad the writer's strike is supposed to be off by the end of the week because television is getting really ridiculous. Has anyone every really watched the new American Gladiators show? It is probably the biggest waste of an hour television spot I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I still try not to watch TV because it really is a waste of time, and most of the time not very uplifting, but Jen and I were eating our Bajio salads and had nothing better to do. Oh, my gosh. Everything was so lame, and definitely not suitable for any viewer. TV rating = NB (Nobody).
I'm leaving you with a tribute to Bright Eyes, one of the most brilliant lyricists/poets/musicians in the world. I heard three of his songs today while my iPod shuffled busily through 30GB of pure musical bliss. He says what I just can't find words to express. This song has an especially sentimental value to me. It's not one of his best songs, but it makes me smile because it reminds me of someone who I love very much, when he still loved me very much. Enjoy!
Jen and I spent last night at Donkey Tail's. We met this awesome married couple there, and we ended up spending the whole night just hanging out with them. Brad and Kelli. Cool cats. Jen and I are heading back there tonight for the Super Bowl festivities. Hopefully, they'll be there again. I didn't even know who was playing in the Super Bowl until about two days ago. Truth be told, I could care less about the football part. I'm really looking forward to seeing Paula Abdul in the half-time show!
