My Little Lamb. (If You Knew Her, You'd Understand.)

My "lova", Candace, and me at The Foundry Grill in Sundance.

Can I Help You Find A Size?

I am a mall rat again. I started back at American Eagle. I will be working there on Saturdays, some Mondays, and floorsets. I went to the mall today for the first time in about three months. I've been avoiding the mall because of somebody in particular, but when I thought about it, I realized that the mall is actually my turf! I'm so excited to be able to work with Jen, which really won't feel like work at all; go on my breaks with Siara, who works at Nodstrom and gets a discount at the Nordstrom cafe; and running into all my long lost retail friends.

On a completely different topic, Siara lent me the movie Paris, Je T'aime. I've watched one short film from it twice, and I'll probably watch it two more times before I return it. It makes me happy when I watch it, and Gaspard Ulliel isn't too hard on the eyes either.


And finally, my second favorite.

My Bedtime Story.

I am an extraordinary soul, trapped in a mediocre man's body. I want to shed my skin and take flight!

Here Comes the Sun!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed:
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-William Shakespeare

I am happy. I am loved. I am smitten. I am progressing. I love the summer.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub.

I have a confession. Sometimes I try and turn women on while I am shampooing their hair.

Testing Positive.

After an exhausting ten hour day of sweeping up hair, shampooing guests, manning the telephones, and many other mundane tasks, I was a little discouraged and grumpy. Is this assisting thing really worth it?

I decided to sit down and read just a bit before I went to the gym, and let my mind clear itself of all of it's unchecked thinking. I read something from a book I'm reading called Ethics for the New Millennium by the Dalai Lama. (Great book. Second time reading it.) It's a paragraph that just kinda made me feel a little better and put things into perspective. It'll do me good to write it down, so I can digest it properly, while I slowly type it with my 10 wpm typing skills. It reads:

"It is also worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty. With the right approach-and here we see once more the supreme importance of developing a positive attitude-the experience of suffering can open our eyes to reality."

When I think of those I admire most in my life, my heroes, it is mostly those who have overcome something tremendous, tragic, or that broke some sort of limitation-be it social, physical, mental, political,etc.-and humbly rose up a stronger and wiser person. It is those persons who kept a positive attitude, a smile on their face, and laughter in their heart, while the cloud of doom loomed merely inches overhead. I have nothing in my life that warrants any form of griping or poor attitude. I should feel blessed that I am not being tested the way that others are being tested.

There is my attitude check. Now, I'm off to the gym.

Goodbye, Mimi's!

I quit Mimi's Cafe last night. Over three long years. Sad to leave friends, but glad to move on and make new ones elsewhere.

License and Registration, Please.

I haven't posted in a couple days. Well, I have, but they were mean posts, and I don't want to be a mean person, so I deleted them.

I am completely over Adam. He can have his perception of how things were, and I will have mine. I hope he finds happiness. This will be the last time I mention Adam.

So, today I got up and got my new car registered. Finally. I tried to do it nearly two months ago, but then I needed to wait until I got a notarized bill of sale for it. Then I tried to get the safety and emissions done, but my tint was too dark. It is finally legal, and besides having to spend nearly $250 a month on gas, I love it!

The "X," Not The Ex.

As much as I want to call; as much as I want to text; and as much as I want to email; I won't. My reward: a big red "x" marked in the square on the calendar of the days that I don't. My equivalent to a gold star. It's quite pathetic, I know, but the human heart feels what it feels, and my heart feels broken. And if it takes me indicating my restraint on a given Monday or a distraction on the following Friday to help it mend, then that's what I'll do.

The good news: every "x" on my calendar is day a that the pain is a little more dulled, the sense of missing Adam eases, and the hope that better days are coming becomes more believable. Those little red "x"s are marching further and further away from June 9th (the last time I communicated with Adam), and before you know it they'll be skipping into September, and then dancing through December!

I welcome Singledom with open arms.

Aging Like a Fine Wine!

Happy Birthday, Mom. I can't believe you've survived fifty years of life's experiences. Come to think of it, some of those years have been pretty s*%#$y! But, I suppose that is exactly why so many people admire you and look to you as a hero. You never complain, you always preserver, you love unconditionally -all while maintaining a sense of humor and feistiness. I couldn't have been given a better blessing than to have you as my mother, my "mamacita", and my friend. I love you, and think you are beautiful in every single way. Here's to fifty more years (oh, dear, should I only wish for thirty upon you?!!)! Your son loves you more than you'll ever know.

Love Is Sinkable.

Well, I have lost the fifteen pounds I planned on losing since the beginning of the year. After Adam and I broke up, I decided that instead of going into a depression induced coma, I would instead channel that energy into something positive and productive. I went to the gym everyday for nearly a month straight, sometimes twice a day. I was running at least eight miles a day, and when I was feeling especially anxious/motivated, I would run nearly fifteen. Between the exercise and the mostly raw fruit and vegetable diet, I dropped nine pounds in a little over three weeks.

Adam went to Europe shortly after we broke up, and I maintained an upward momentum for the first three or four weeks of his being on vacation (minus a few drunk voice and text messages). However; I realized that all the things I'd been doing to distract myself from admitting that out already weakening relationship was finally being laid to rest, were doing just that: distracting me from admitting the reality of the situation. Our three years together was coming to an end. At that realization, I nearly lost control at the onslaught of emotion that engulfed me. That is when I began what I like to call the "sleep induced diet." Basically, what it consists of is taking some sort of pill(s) to put you to sleep so that you don't have to deal with what's causing the pain around you. If you do that when you get off work, you miss dinner. If you do that when you have an entire day off, you miss all three meals of the day! Missing consistent meals for a week equals six pounds!

I dialed Adam's phone everyday he was gone on vacation just to hear his voice on his voicemail message. It was comforting to me. The whole time I was praying that he'd see something in Italy that took his breath away and think to himself, "I wish Chad were here to see this." or be staying in a seedy hostel in Germany and say, "I would feel safer if Chad were here with me." I called every single day, and when I called and it finally did ring, I almost couldn't contain myself. I wanted nothing more than to have him pick up and say, "Chad! I missed you! I'm sorry! I love you! Let's make this work!" He didn't answer. I was once again left with his voicemail, and a beep. But this time, I knew that there was not two thousand miles blocking our communication, but rather, somebody on the other end who simply didn't want to answer.

It's hard to understand how I could love somebody so much and how there were no warm feelings reciprocated. It's also hard to feel like I invested so much into somebody's life, and to have them cut me out of it so quickly, makes me feel lost. I know his favorite foods, his favorite color. I know his morning routine. I know where every mole is located on his body. I know what shows he watches in the afternoon, and that he falls asleep to Law & Order SVU at night. I know the percentage of cocoa he likes in his dark chocolate. I know which of his jeans to air dry. I know what size shoe he wears. I know that he hates bad customer service and he hates to be hot. Now, I'm just supposed to forget it all.

Perhaps the hardest thing about this whole breakup experience, is the fact that our perceptions on how our relationship was are so differing. He seems to have forgotten all the hundreds of ways that I tried to show my love towards him, make him feel like he was special, and demonstrate my devotion to making our relationship work. He doesn't remember our traditions, our laughter, our intimate moments or our conversations. He doesn't remember my willingness to ease his burdens or help him accomplish something he needed doing. He only remembers unhappiness. Towards the end of our relationship, I was not happy, but it was not because I didn't love him. It was because I was the only one trying anymore. He left emotionally many, many months earlier.

I can't help but miss him though. Everything around me reminds me of him. I am sad for the love I lost and for what we potentially could've found in each other. I will not, however; remain indolent any longer.

I suppose some things aren't meant to be reclaimed. After all, the Titanic still lays on the bottom of the ocean. And that is how my relationship with Adam will be remembered: like that seemingly unsinkable ship, which wasn't strong enough to withstand what was lurking in the depths of the bitter cold.