Today was Wes' funeral. It was a good service, and I didn't leave feeling as sad and depressed as I thought it would leave me. I was debating on whether or not I would go. I still have such a hard time with things that make me reflect and contemplate theological ideas. Death scares me beyond belief, and I am terrified of Heavenly Father and His judgement. It's very hard for me to talk to Him, and I exercise a lot of faith when I pray to Him because I don't believe I am worthy of His attention. Paradoxically, when things get really bad, I know that He is the first person with whom I should communicate, and I know he is the source of all the goodness in my life. It's a very confusing way to feel sometimes. Being a gay man, and not being sure how I fit in to His plan creates an exhausting urgency to be better than yesterday. Everyday I strive for Christlike attributes, and I pray for opportunities to develop compassion and selflessness. Being such a weak man, I fall extremely short of anything near to these goals, and as a result, I live a life filled with severe guilt and fear. As I thought of this state in which I live, I decided that it's okay that I feel this way. Always feeling inadequate keeps me always striving to be a "good" person, and perhaps someday I will attain sufficient "goodness" to be worthy of God's love and grace. I just wish the underlined fear would go away. Like I said, I can't do philosophy or theology. It makes me crazy.
Later tonight, Shay called to see if I wanted to join herself, Kioa, and Chris for some coffee. Mmm, Peppermint Mocha Latte! We met up at Starbucks, and sat outside in the cold talking about Wes, and things related to his death. It was an uplifting conversation, and I soon forgot that it was freezing! Friendships were strengthened, and my life was enriched by these three.
While there, I ran into my cousin, Tiffany, who was picking up coffee for the nurses who are working in the NICU on little Grayson. He is now two pounds, and his health fluctuates. She said that her and her mom were talking about me just yesterday. It's funny how often just thinking or talking about someone can usher them into your life. That happens to me so often. I need to try and see Aunt Jill soon since she's in town. Those two have always been at the top of my "Extended Family Favorites" list.
After Starbucks, we all went to my apartment to play games and hang out. A couple of Shay's friends joined us. It was a good time. It was a good day. I am pretty sure I think too much.
5 comments:
You are one of the most amazing people I know and Heavenly Father knows the intent of your heart and loves you very much. You are great to always be improving yourself and also looking after other.
Is that the baby you were telling me about at dinner :( I hope he continues to get stronger.
I love a hot drink on a cold night!
Chad!
K, so I second that: you are one of the most amazing people. I remember way back in the day when we were hanging out one time. We were hittin' up the Taco Bell drive thru. And you totally paid for the people behind us. Like, the complete strangers in the car behind us. Just to be nice and make their day. You are such a charitable person and have a GOOD heart. Thanks for being you, yo.
Oh... I'd never seen this blog of yours mister. I've been missing you!
Yeah, we got married Tuesday November 20th. Just a quick and little service w/the bishop and my immediate family down at the church... It was nice.
We're going to plan on having a reception (and a decent honeymoon, lol!) probably late February. So you won't have to really miss a thing hun!
And hey, I enjoyed reading your blog. You inspire me. And I wish sometimes that you could see yourself through other's eyes.
I know how much good you do for people every day. You are constantly doing "Christ-like" things. And the simple fact that you are striving to BE a good person amounts to so much more than you know. Most of this world just floats on through their everyday with a care in the world.
You rock Chaddy Grant! And I love you tons!
Hi Chad!
I'm so thankful for that night we all hung out. I realized the next day how healing it was to talk about my wonderful brother, you said some things that really helped me. You have a beautiful perspective on life:) ....and what would i have done without the Weepies! They are helping me get through this hard time:) That night was meant to be, thank you
Chad - This is Rachel Anderson, Wes' sister-in-law. We met at Mimi's the day we all came in to eat and I saw your blog on Paige's. I just wanted to say I loved your post and I think you are so right in saying the inadequacy one feels is what keeps us working to improve ourselves. And I think we all have fear in one way or another!
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